Fetching Kvetching
By Shane

So there I was, sitting there minding my own business, staring at a blank-white screen, wondering what, after all this time, I had to share with the magic community. Face it, you've read my best stuff already - plot development, character creation, pacing, improv… not like there's a whole lot more to discuss.

At length, anyway.

But bless some of you who have wondered why I don't write for my own zine anymore. The answer lies not in anything more than a lack of natural resource - time. Time may be on the side of the near-fossilized Rolling Stones, but it's been a bugbear for me for a while now. To answer some concerns: No, I'm not giving up magic. No, I haven't lost my passion for the Art. No, I have not retired to a remote mountaintop there to contemplate my navel until enlightenment comes on ashen wings.

Just been busy. That's all. But not to busy to be a kvetch.

Never too busy to be a kvetch.

So, what's been roiling around in my head lately? Let's start with…

Mall magic shops. Now, before I manage to alienate certain readers and Visions staff, I have nothing against magic shops in malls per se. Shops have to be somewhere, and, as places go, malls are definitely somewhere. But now much talk is being made of producing master magicians from mall magic shop franchises. Am I the only one that sees a problem with that? "Master Magician In A Can" comes immediately to mind, as does the image of teenage boys carrying thumb tips and sponge balls and considering themselves "masters" as they drop the balls and jam on the thumbs. And magicians worry about exposure. Speaking of which…

Video demos. Wanna see how a trick is done? Go to a search engine, look for "online magic video", and study the movie a time or two. Or three. Or five. Odds are you'll get to the method pretty quickly. And if you're really lucky, you'll end up at one of the online magic shops that brag so much about their videos, which, while looking slick, are performed in probably the worst manner imaginable -- both in terms of technical competence and presentational skill -- and all but blow the whole performance. And you'll get all the secrets you want for free for very little work. Technology is fun, ain't it?

Creators. No, not the good ones, but some of the money-grubbing ones that pop into my mind every time I see an effect that is huge on price, mediocre on method, and foul on everything else. Here's the way it works: Take an effect that would be a worthy addition to a US$30 book. Type it up (poorly - no sense in making this look that appealing once the money's exchanged hands) about half a page of instructions. Photocopy a few hundred of the things. Put them into a plastic bag with a nice artsy panel that makes it look like a slick piece of merchandise (that's done at the expense of supplying gimmicks - after all, gimmicks and marketing cost money, so sacrifice the gimmick; most consumers will get or make their own if told by a "name" to do so). Repeat a dozen times. Buy house in Bahamas. Fend off Anna-Nicole Smith. And wonder why some of the more experienced magicians look at you with derision even though you're a "name". Speaking of which…

"Names". By definition, a name is someone who has made a name for themselves in our little art. It's a term of derision that I use, and use more and more. Scenario the first: Mr. Name contacts me about reviewing his new product. No problem there; I review it and send a preview of the review. Mr. Name doesn't like the review because I didn't like his product. An email chain ensues whereby I am called everything but a child of God, but tells me that I'm an idiot and an amateur (as if that's a bad thing, mind you) who obviously knows nothing about magic because he is, after all, Mr. Name Who Has Accomplished Much. I laugh at my own insane thoughts of calling things as I see them and having a contrary opinion in the face of Mr. Name's Huge Successes. I laugh, but I go right on doing it.

"Names", scenario the second: Mr. Name contacts me about writing an article for Visions. After I explain that we don't pay for articles and that we write because we have something to say and share, he sends the article along. When I ask him if he'd like me include a special email address to hold reader comments, Mr. Name writes back with a gentle (and gently paraphrased by Ye Humble Editor) "No, thanks. Who cares what [the readers] think, anyway?" Needless to say, Mr. Name's piece never sees the light of day on Visions and, in a small personal victory, I fail to buy his books and videos. Maybe he doesn't care about what my readers think, and maybe he doesn't care about my keeping my money for Burger and McBride and Poinc and others who do most definitely give a damn about their fans and customers, but, hell, it made me feel good. But then again, maybe it's not about "Names" so much as…

Ego. Some kid learns the Laser Deal. Good for him! I'll never learn it (too much martial arts practice, too many years with these knuckles) and I have a twinge of envy in me because he can do it and I know I never will. When I'm asked what I've been working on, and I tell him, do I have to hear that he wouldn't waste five minutes on what I've spent days and weeks while he, obviously a demigod, was working on something "important"? Mental note: remember to pack my completed performance contracts in with my beloved Arrco decks for when I run into this kind of garbage again. Big names or little names, maybe it's all the same…

Bitching. Hey, that seems to be what this piece is about, right? "Things That Piss Shane Off". Nope, furthest thing from the truth. In reality, I happen to think that there's just a bit too much griping and complaining in the world of magic. Think about it: all the little items I've mentioned above, all my grumbling about this and that… does any of it really matter? The answer is a firm and resounding "probably not". Mall magic shop franchises will be dishing out the title "Master Magician" at the same rate as their food courts pile on cups of overpriced coffee and ridiculously priced candy. The World's Most Revealing Magic Videos will still be available because - hey! I ain't talking about their particular site, am I? Creators, pressured by thievery, buoyed by their artistic temperament, and fortified by an overabundance of greed genes, will continue to do whatever it takes to make a buck as long as there's someone -- anyone -- there to give them that dollar. Names will be names, because, in a reversal of the old Carly Simon song, they won't think this is about them. Ego will always be present in magic, even though in the grand scheme of things nobody else will ever care about your perfect faro except someone who can't do it, which, of course, gets that ego a bit bigger while Real People remain impressed with folks that accomplish more than that by just doing volunteer work at a homeless shelter. And bitching?

Hey, we're always going to do that, because sometimes we tilt at windmills because there's nothing else to tilt at, no other way of proving we're alive and rocking and rolling and making a point here and there. We do that because, after all, we're human, and we always will know better than anyone else.

And we're never, ever too busy to be a kvetch.

Shane