New Year's Revolutions
By Shane

I, the undersigned, being of a usually sound mind and mis-used body, do firmly attest to the validity of the following statements as made by myself, without coercion or threats to forced repeated viewings of "Criss Angel versus David Blaine -- The Mumble In The (Asphalt) Jungle" upon my fragile mind, and with only a marginal amount of sarcasm. Further, I do attest these statements constitute a contractual agreement between the three concerned parties -- Me, Myself, and I -- to the exclusion of all other parties, including but not limited to The All Night party.

Resolution the First: I hearby and steadfastly resolve not to use terms implying excrement, feces, or anal activities when dealing with creators and manufacturers who think it incumbent on me to provide them a gloriously complimentary review of some rancid thing they slapped together in five minutes and charge the consumer unspeakable amounts for. A well-known name doesn't elevate crap to peanut butter all by itself. Damn; I said crap. So much for "Resolution the First".

Resolution the Second: I steadfastly and hearby resolve to join a "magic club" when either Hell freezes over or Angelina Jolie appears on my doorstep wearing nothing more than chocolate syrup. I acknowledge magic clubs do have their purposes, but ego-gratification is a waste of my time. Excuse me for a moment; my doorbell's ringing...

Resolution the Third: I hearly and steadfastby resolve to begin playing the "magic politics" game. I will kowtow to the Powers That Be, I will ingratiate myself to My Betters, I will be submissive and subservient to the Famous and Powerful. Said playing of said game will last no longer than 3.2 seconds and only in the presence of Ricky Jay. I'll let you know when to start your watches.

Resolution the Fourth: I hearfastby and steadly resolve not to offer any negative opinion in regards to anyone's television show, writings, lectures, or tricks, since "the Brotherhood of Magic" has decreed Thou Shalt Not Opine Unless Thou Hast Done Likewise. So, since I don't have a TV show, or have written a book, or put together a lecture, or created mass-produced tricks, I'll just have to keep my mouth shut. In the event someone else's shows, lectures, writings, or tricks waste my time, energy, or money, or demonstrate the capability of doing same, all bet's are off and I'll be given rights to the First Admendment again.

Resolution the Fifth: I hearstead and fastbyly resolve to deal kindly with those who think because other people know who they are, they are as demigods to us mere mortals. In other words, I'll suffer better the emotional cripples who have to hide behind egos so huge as to dwarf the promises of penis pumps. I will resist at all times the impulse to say something along the lines of "Big damn deal! It's magic, you moron! It's not like you discovered the way to world peace or a cure for cancer! Get over yourself, you prima donna prig!" Although I shall at all times be granted the right to think that way and voice those thoughts a bit nicer than I illustrated above; I'll at least wish them a good day first.

Resolution the Rest: I resolve to love my friends and family a bit more and my tricks a bit less. I resolve to do my best for all my audiences -- both my live audiences and the greatest audience of all, the readers of Visions. I resolve to tilt at windmills as I see fit, because every fight needs fighting. I resolve to remember magic is powerful and universal and wonderful, but in the end, it is fleeting and, like life and sex, is too serious not to be treated with a sense of humor.

Resolution the Last: I resolve to stop sounding like a pontificating old poop and wish everyone the best for the new year. In our turbulent times, in our troubled world, peace may be too much to ask for, but maybe a little kindness now and again is not.

And to all a good night.

Shane